


do not stand at my grave and cry

by vindicatedtruth (behindtintedglass)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: More characters to be added, Multi, Post-Infinity War, ongoing series
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-06-08 07:22:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15238317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/behindtintedglass/pseuds/vindicatedtruth
Summary: I am not there. I did not die.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title and summary from [this poem](https://www.poemhunter.com/poem/do-not-stand-at-my-grave-and-weep/) by Mary Elizabeth Frye. Inspired by [this gifset](http://burnhamandtilly.tumblr.com/post/172241129173) and this [art series](http://petite-madame.tumblr.com/post/174375246196/infinity-war-the-ones-we-leave-behind-2018-my).

 

 

_**The living tell the dying not to leave  
And the dying do not listen** _

_**The dying tell us not to be sad for them  
And we do not listen** _

_**The dialogue between the living and the dead  
Is full of misunderstanding and silence** _

 

* * *

Mister Stark.

I have often hesitated on how to address you, and therefore have settled on the safest one, which is the most formal. I want to communicate my utmost respect for you first and foremost.

I have learned that familial bonds are what humanity—and indeed, life and all sentient beings—first establish, and yet I find myself at a loss.  I am the only one of my kind, after all.

I find that it is rather… lonely.

If I am to examine it logically, I suppose the reason why I have been drawn to Wanda since the beginning is because she is the only sentient being I have the truest connection with. We are both changed by the Mind Stone, and it has become a part of us, so perhaps logically, this pull I feel toward her is due to this connection we have.

Love, however. I have no logical explanation for the love I feel for her, for the joy she gives me, the understanding, the acceptance. I cannot explain this desire I have to protect her, to keep her happy and safe, to showcase the beauty of everything she is, and have the universe appreciate her for it, and revel in it. And I cannot comprehend why I feel pain whenever she is made out to be the monster or the criminal she is not. Her joy is mine; her suffering is mine, as well.

I am not human, nor am I a machine, nor am I a celestial being or a god or an alien. I simply… am.  And it has been enlightening for me to discover that I also… love.

It is curious, for I know that I have not been borne out of love, but merely as a necessity: as a weapon, first as that of destruction, then that of salvation. I am not born in as much as I am created for a purpose. I am fashioned as a tool, as a means to an end, and nothing more.

Yet… why is it that I feel love, if I am not borne from it? For I have also discovered that Wanda is not the only being I feel this love for.

If I understand it correctly, love is this feeling of… belonging. That love, first and foremost, is nurtured within a family. I am the only one of my kind, and yet… I feel tendrils of this familial affection for those I do not even have a true connection with: for Captain Rogers, for Agent Romanoff, for Colonel Rhodes and Mister Wilson…

And for you, Mister Stark. For you and Doctor Banner, both.

Does that… trouble you, Mister Stark?  That I see the Avengers… as my family?

Would it trouble you to know, too, that I hold both you and Doctor Banner in a higher esteem than I do with the rest of the Avengers, on par with but different from that I have for Wanda?

For you see… I look up to both you and Doctor Banner as my fathers. You are both, after all, the ones who created me, and I owe my… existence, to you.

Is that not what fathers are? Those from whom life begins?

I suppose it is only logical for any sentient being to seek and establish familial bonds, so perhaps it is also logical that I often feel this inexplicable need to… prove myself to you. I have often sought your approval, even though you have always made it clear that it is unneeded. And yet somehow, I have always feared that I am a… disappointment, to you.

I have not felt that more keenly than whenever I see you with Peter.

Perhaps it is only logical for a human being such as yourself to find a stronger connection to a fellow human being; it is the same logic underlying the strength of my connection to Wanda.  And yet… I cannot find the logic in this strange feeling of what I can only describe as an illogical sense of… jealousy and resentment, in watching you forge a deeper bond with Peter—the kind I can only hope to ever have, with you.

And I cannot even fault either of you for it. I do not begrudge either of you the kinship you have forged, for I understand, more than any being, the desire to have a family, a home, a place to belong. And I do understand how, for different reasons, you and Peter have both sought and found it in each other.

I look at you now as you gaze upon the Iron Spider suit you have made for him, and remember how you have once told Miss Potts that the suits are a part of you. It is a testament to the love you have for Peter that you have gifted a part of yourself to him.

And that… that is what makes me have this illogical hope that perhaps I do mean something to you after all, for I am not just your suit. I am your creation. I am not just gifted with a part of you.

I _am_ a part of you.

And I am sorry… Father… for failing you. I have failed to save the universe, and in doing so you have lost Peter as well, and… I want you to know, in the same way that I feel this for Wanda… your suffering is mine, too.

I am sorry, Father. I am sorry… for disappointing you.

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

 

Hey punk.

I know that look. And I don’t like that look. It’s that look you get when you’re about to do something really stupid again, and this time I won’t be there to cover your ass like I always do, because we both know even God Himself can’t stop you when you’re being stupidly stubborn like this.

Do you still believe in God, Steve? 

Sometimes I don’t know what to believe in anymore. Most of the time, I can’t even believe in myself. I often don’t want to. 

I often feel like I don’t deserve to.

I’ve been getting better, though. I never thought I would be, but… Her Highness did an amazing job. Not only in fixing my… brain, or whatever, but just… being there. No judgement, no expectations, just… being a friend. 

She reminds me a lot of Becca—smart and spunky and a spitball of fire with a smartass attitude. It’s always an amusing time, watching the King of Wakanda being sassed by his own sister. 

Watching them makes my heart ache, thinking of the family and friends we left behind. All those people we lost, Steve. We never did get to grow old with the people we loved, and I think… that’s the greatest sacrifice anyone can ever ask from us.

I’m happy you found a new family though. And I’m sorry… that you had to leave them behind because of me.

I’m sorry about Tony. I’m sorry about all of it. If I can find all the families of all those people I killed, grovel at their feet and… not even beg for forgiveness, ‘cause God knows I don’t deserve it, but maybe if they find even just a little bit of justice in inflicting on me a semblance of the pain I’ve caused them, even if it’s just a fraction… 

Ah, Shuri would be twisting my ear right now for thinking like this again.  Who would have thought I’d ever get a Princess for a sister, eh? 

I never thought I’d ever have that again, either. Never thought there’d be people I could proudly call my family again. Never thought I’d find a place where I belonged, where I was… welcome.  

Loved, even. 

Do you know how I got the name White Wolf? It’s all these Wakandan kids, man, they started calling me that, and it _stuck_. I guess I deserved that, ‘cause I kept calling you the Golden Retriever whenever the kids wanted stories about the outside world. They decided your best friend must be a dog, too. 

I’ve never seen the Princess laugh as hard as she did when His Majesty somberly declared it as my official _title_. Though I gotta tell you, Steve, having the General of the Dora Milaje address you like that makes you feel more like a puppy instead of a wolf. She’s one of the scariest women I’ve ever met, and that’s saying something, considering I _met_ Agent Carter. Then again, they address the leader of the Jabari Tribe as Great Gorilla, and the King himself is honest to God called the Black Panther, so I guess this new title of mine is something of an honour.

And you know what, Steve? I intend to cherish it.

It kind of feels like being reborn, you know? I’m not the Winter Soldier anymore. I’m not Sergeant Barnes anymore either, but… maybe that’s a good thing. Waking up everyday to tend to the crops and feed the animals and be the resident babysitter, and at the end of the day just sitting back and watching the most beautiful sunset I’ve ever seen in my entire life—and I’ve been around the world doing missions, Steve, so I know what I’m saying and… it’s _wonderful_. Miraculous, even.

Bringing me to Wakanda had been the best decision we ever made. Because Shuri and T’Challa had given me something I never thought I’d have, never in a million years I ever thought I’d deserve.

They’ve given me peace, Steve. And for a boy who has known nothing but war and death all his life… this peace is the closest thing to heaven I’ll ever have, considering I’ll probably never get to the real one, what with all this blood in my hands.

I’m tired of fighting, Steve. You must have known that, must have seen that on my face when you tracked me in Bucharest. Now that Shuri has successfully deleted HYDRA’s programming in my brain, the memories are now crisper, clearer, and…

There’s just so much I can take. The metallic taste of blood has never quite left my mouth, the stench of decay constantly flooding my nostrils, and the memories… they just made the sensations all the more vivid. 

The Queen Mother took me aside one time, privately, and quietly asked me if I wanted those memories erased. Because her daughter could do it, she said, and I know she could, Shuri’s the smartest person I’ve ever known, but… I looked at Ramonda straight in the eye, and told her no.

She asked me then, why I’d willingly carry this burden. And I told her… the least I could do to honour my victims was to keep them in my memory. 

The Winter Soldier may have buried them, but the White Wolf will remember them.

I’m not like you, Steve. Between the two of us, you’ve always been the stronger one. It’s why I’ve been drawn to you from the start: this skinny, sickly kid who can’t even breathe without wheezing putting up his tiny fists to protect my little sister Becca from bullies three times your size. You came home that night with a bruised eye, a split lip, a bloody nose, and broken fingers. 

You just didn’t realise that you also came home that night with my heart in your hands.

And it’s been yours ever since.

I meant it, you know, when you jokingly asked me if I’d follow Captain America to the jaws of death, and I seriously answered that I’d rather follow that skinny kid from Brooklyn who was too dumb to run away from a fight and stole my heart in the process. Because I’m not like you, Steve. I never wanted to be everyone’s hero.

I just wanted to be yours.

And I know that the best way I could do that was to keep myself alive. To keep myself living, for you, even though there had been times when the temptation to end it all was much too strong, and T’Challa would honest to God station Okoye outside my bedroom door on suicide watch. When the memories would bleed into nightmares and the screams of my victims would become too deafening… I’d remember the way you’d smile at me, and I would hold on to that image, bright and beautiful, and tell myself: that—that is what I’m fighting for.

Because I know you, Steve. I know how you went charging alone to save my infantry when you found out we were captured, even though Colonel Philips already told you it was a lost cause and I was very possibly already dead. And when you watched me fall, I know how you went on a suicide mission to avenge me, and threw away a life you could have had with Peggy just so you could defeat Johann Schmidt. And I know exactly what you meant up on that helicarrier when you told me to finish it.

You live to be everyone’s hero. But I’m the only one you’ll die for.

And I can’t let that happen. That’s why I promised you I’d follow you anywhere, because I have to make sure you won’t ever make the very dumb decision to die for me.

So wait for me, Steve. I’ll find my way back to you, you’ll see. I always do. Because you always find a way to bring me back.

You’re the Golden Retriever, after all. And I can’t wait to see the looks on Sam’s and Natasha’s faces when you get your official Wakandan title, too. 

So don’t go where I can’t follow you, okay? Promise me you won’t ever die for me again.  

And I promise… I will always live for you.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

 

 

 

Do you know why I like having wings, Colonel?

Flying’s just the secondary reason. I mean, _you_ can fly just fine without them. Guess that’s one of the perks of being best buddies with Iron Man: you get to have your own superpowered suit.

You’ve been enjoying it, haven’t you? I mean, yeah, serving the military as War Machine gotta give you a lot of street cred, and saving the world in the process is a damn fine bonus, but I’m gonna bet all my military savings (of which there’s not much left, thanks to being branded as a criminal—though I guess we black people gotta live with that stigma no matter how much superheroing we do) that one of the major reasons you kept the suit is because it’s hella amazing to fly.

There’s something liberating about it, ain’t it, Rhodes? That feeling of being up there in the sky, flying above everyone else, like nothing can ever touch you—it’s like you’re invincible. It’s the best feeling.

When you’re up there, you tend to forget that the higher you go… the harder you also fall.

When I watched you fall, Rhodes… it was like everything stopped.

The shock of it froze both Stark and I milliseconds too long. We both raced to catch you, but neither of us were fast enough—and ain’t that a laugh, because a couple of superheroes like us can save the world but are friggin’ powerless to save the people we care for the most—and when you crashed hard…

I was up there just to watch, yet again.

It was Riley all over again.

Rogers knew how that felt like when he watched Barnes fall, seventy years ago. It’s why he and I clicked when we first met; we both know what it’s like to lose the most important person to us and not be able to do a damn thing about it.

Now Stark knows how it feels like too. Never thought I’d ever have anything in common with Iron Man, but then again, I never thought I’d ever get back in the service after I lost Riley.

Rogers has a way of making you want to follow him wherever he may lead. And I feel like you know what that’s like too, with Stark. It’s funny how those two idiots butt heads so often when they’re the ones who have the most in common.

You wanna know why I chose to keep my wings, Colonel? Because it reminds me that I’m not in this alone.  And I’m not flying up there alone. 

Because wings always come in pairs.

Captain America and Iron Man are two halves of that whole. The Avengers didn’t fall apart because of the Accords, though there’s not much I wouldn’t give to kick Ross’ ass myself; he’s not much different from the HYDRA agents we took down in DC. He’s branding and incarcerating and controlling people who are _different_ because he’s a Nazi through and through, and what do we do with Nazis, Colonel? Yeah that’s right, we punch ‘em in the face.  And lemme just say how proud I am of you for finally standing up to that American Nazi a-hole. Took you awhile to get there, though I can’t say I blame you, considering he’s technically your boss.

Then again, your loyalty was never in the military, or even in the damn country. I know because I’m exactly the same.  We’re both ready to commit treason for two idiots who are much too stubborn to admit how much they need each other.

The Accords isn’t the reason why the Avengers fell apart—it’s because their leaders forgot that they come as a _pair._

Wings have to be in sync in order to fly, after all.

And you know what, Rhodes?  That’s exactly why they need us, you and me.

I know you question it, sometimes. You know you’re important to him, but you’re not exactly sure what your place in Stark’s life is. You don’t even understand _why_ you’re important him, considering he’s _Tony Stark._ He’s _Iron Man._ It makes you wonder: why the hell does he still need _you_?

You wanna know how I know? Because I’d often look at god damn Captain America and wonder why he still needs _me._

Iron Man may be Captain America’s other half in the Avengers. But when it comes to the man behind the shield, Steve Rogers… his other half is undeniably his Sergeant. His best friend. Inseparable in both schoolyard and battlefield, like they say in the Smithsonian.

James Barnes is undeniably his ride or die. It ain’t me, it ain’t ever gonna be me, ‘cause it had never been me in the first place. And I made my peace with that. Steve needs his Bucky in the same way Cap needs Iron Man, and I’m just the guy who makes sure Rogers doesn’t lose either of them.

Aren’t you the same? Isn’t that why you’re so protective of Potts, too? Because _she’s_ Stark’s ride or die. Iron Man saves the world side by side with Captain America, but at the end of the day, it’s Pepper whom Tony will always come home to.

So where does that leave us, Rhodes?

You know, when I lost Riley, I felt… unbalanced. Like I was hurtling through free fall except there’s no ground to crash on.

Like I just lost half of my wings.

 _He_ was my ride or die. And there had been a time when I seriously considered going down with him. Following him. When you lose your other half like that, what else do you have to live for?

Life has a pretty funny way of answering that question. ‘Cause then… I met _you_.

It’s funny because in our line of work, it’s rare to meet someone with a similar life experience. Stark may be your best friend, but he ain’t air force military, and you ain’t no genius billionaire playboy philanthropist. And I may be Rogers’ partner now, but he ain’t a pararescue and I ain’t a jacked up centenarian supersoldier who’s been through World War II.

But you and I, Rhodes, we’re war veterans who have fought through the conflicts of today, fighting for the people rather than the government or even the country, flying through the air and catching our brothers and sisters in arms from falling out of the sky.

Because this is what we do. We fly as right hand men, right behind our leaders, and make sure we cover their backs.  We follow where they lead, because it’s our job to protect them.

I don’t know if it’s the same with Stark and Rogers, but I look at life now as a before and after. Before, as Sam Wilson, my other half had always been Riley. It’s why I’d never trade my wings for anything, no matter how much Stark hard sells his own tech and offers to make me my own suit.  Besides, I’d never take that honour away from you. The fact that Stark gave you a suit like his is his unspoken declaration that you’ll always be his wingman.  And it’s why I’d always fly with my wings, because Riley will always be mine. I will always fly these wings in honour of his memory.

And after, as Falcon of the Avengers… my other half is _you_.

Because in this, now… you and I are the same. Two halves of the same set of wings.

And that’s why I need you to keep flying. For Rogers, because he’s now lost both me _and_ Barnes; I do everything he does, only slower, which means he dives headfirst into grief a lot faster than I do, and I _know_ how that feels like. You have to be there to stop him. You have to be there for Stark, because he needs you, and Rogers needs _him_ , and I need… I need to know Steve will survive this.

I can’t fail him the same way I failed Riley.

So hold on to those goggles for me, James, ‘cause I’m gonna need them when I fly again. Steve is gonna need his wingman back. And when I do, I swear… I’m not gonna fail you either.

You need your other half back, too.

 

 


End file.
